I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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