I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
