Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
