the condom got lost in my hair
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
