Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
