Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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