checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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