did you get engaged???
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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