Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
