If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
