I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
