Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
