I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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