toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
