So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
