im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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