I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
