I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
