remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
