She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
