Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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