Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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