just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
