The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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