My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
