apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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