Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We don't watch enough power rangers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
