someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
