she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
