You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
