mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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