Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
