We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
