I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
