finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
