My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He better not be in your backpack
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
