You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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