Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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