I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
