just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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