Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
