he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
