end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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