Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
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