I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
