Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
