you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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