If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
