We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
