you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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