Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
