my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
