I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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